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I realize I'm slowly letting my guard down

I realize I slowly let myself feel something

I am way too scared

Way too confused

To let you be close to me

 

Bed is always easy

Nothing serious, no commitment

But it takes way more to get to me

 

I'm scared to let you in

Because I'm scared you'll might want out

How can I end this?

How can we start this?

I'd rather push you away

 

But then again

You're way too handsome

And I don't really wanna play

 

But will you let me go?

Will break my heart too?

I would not survive

Not just because of my pride

But all the scars that I should be over

They would open up again

Just when I began to love again.

 

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So you guys...

As you may sense: This is about fear.

 

I wrote this song/poem/whatevertheheckitwillbe when I fell in love with my Now-Boyfriend.

I was so wrapped up in my past and in the experiences I made, that I really, really had problems etting people come into my life. And not just into my life but letting them peak behind the wall that I've worked on building up since my last massive break-up.

 

I told myself that I could not love this guy because it was too soon in the "relationship"/dating to know such a thing. I tried to find negative points that would convince me to stay alone. As I did with another guy that really was into me. He clinged on to me and the idea of us ( that I first shared but then scared the shit out of me so I ran away ) but I cruelly cut his tie to me by just not answering the phone and busting my ass off to find reasons to tell him why we wouldn't work out.

 

From my point now I obviously can't say that I regret pushing him away because in the end, that got me my boyfriend that is just so more right for me that anybody else ever could be.

But I regret that I let my fear take up such a big space in my life and my mind.

So back to the beginning  with me and my favourite guy in the world. :)

I was so obsessed by the thought of "being better off alone" and "guys expect things from you and make it complicated and it's not worth it" that I was really closing off my heart.

 

And if he wouldn't have been as patient as brave as he was and is - we probably wouldn't be together right now after all. Because the possibility to get hurt was a non-negitiable no-go. I literally would not go there. Even if that ment being alone for the rest of my life. I would not let myself be as vulnerable as to admit that I liked him and having to fear he might not say it back.

I decided to not say anything at all if he would not have the courage. And that he wouldn't want a real relationship with me anyway.

 

But guess what - he DID! Haha okay...that was a no brainer.

But for me at the time this was unthinkable. I never was good enough for a guy. Why would I be now?

He just likes my company - not more.

 

Thankfully he decided to put his heart on his sleeve and say that he likes me.

And asked me what I felt. (Which I did not really answer and I still have to laugh about my blank panick, knowing that he wanted to hear where I stand without giving me a hint of his own feelings)

And then asked if I could think about being his girlfriend. And then - BOOM - I suddenly realized that ALL the stuff I thought, was in my head. That all the reasons why I could not be with him where B U L L S H I T.

Made up because of fear. My reality could've been POSITIVE all along. I could've lived within my butterflies without the fear if I would've just let myself do that.

 

But I was so busy trying to figure out why we wouldn't work that I did not put an effort to LOOK AT HIM.

He clearly gave me all the signs. And let him do all the work.

Thankfully he never felt like I left him hanging. But I kinda did. Most of all I let myself hanging. Because I let another person's action dictate my beliefs. This awesome guy had nothing to do with all the hurt I had received in the past. But still I projected all of it on him.

 

But what for really? To be "right"? To not be hurt?

Well guess what. I would've been pretty fucking hurt if he decided that I was not that much into him because of my actions and decided to let me go.

So my Not-Getting-Hurt Mechanism kinda sucked.

Because on the inside I was already invested.

I was making my excuses in the first place BECAUSE I was a total chickenshit.

 

So what do I want to tell YOU now with all of this?

I am certainly not writing this to tell you what an awesome person I am and what a great relationship I'm having. I'm writing this to tell you to not let fear guide you and be brave. And if it doesn't work out what will really happen? Will this wreck your life? Hopefully you will discover that if it didn't workout.

It was not supposed to be working out. I know not everyone believes in fate and all this wickedidu.

But will it make you feel better thinking that this MUST have been your one and ONY soulmate availabe on earth and now you ruined it? I'm pretty sure not.

 

Also you probably have more than one friend that you really like. So why wouldn't there be more than one awesome and suitable person for a realationship out there?

Exactly.

So open your hearts up and fuck that shit that wrecked you in the past. You will know the signs now and hopefully can ADEQUATELY act on them.

 

So go have fun my Babes!

 

Living in the past is not going to make your future thrive from it, but suffer.