But because our romantic relationship are the ones that we get emotionally invested the most (usually) they are the once where differentiation comes to play the most.

It basically means that when we are close to someone it can be hard to stay true to yourself. And not bend to their expectations and believes about us. Because as we go into a new relationship we often try to give the person in front of us the most pleasing (for their taste) image of us. Mostly that’s not a conscious decision we make. And as we go further into the relationship we may notice at some point “Wait a minute..is that really me? Is that who I wanna be?”

And it is totally natural to have that process. Obviously I am not talking about any spy-like disguise you have in front of your partner where there is not one part of the real you out there. But just small things, mostly subtle. So subtle that you may not even know WHAT it is exactly. It just makes you maybe cringe a little bit. Or going on about it in your head like “why does he/she even think that’s me?!” 

It is also possible that your partner did what about everybody else does in the beginning of a relationship: seeing you through their ideals. I’m talking about the good old rose tinted glasses ;)

And when they are hit with actions from you that don’t match the picture they had in their head, they probably get disappointed or try to put you back in the box where they put you in the first place. And with “them” I don’t only mean the other part of the relationship - so not you- no I actually AM talking about you too. ;)

Because I don’t know one person who is immune to this. 

But coming back to the topic. This is where differentiation comes in. Because it is important that in these moments we let our true self shine through and act out of a place of integrity as PhD David Schnarch explains in his book “Secrets of a Passionate Marriage”. Integrity rises up and says “This is not who I am”. And even if it’s scary because we may be scared of what the other person thinks about us, we must go through with it to have our back and not feel as if we’re selling ourselves out. And this is probably one of the hardest things to do because the reaction of the partner may not be as we would wish. Putting ourselves in that position we would probably think that our partner lied to us or maybe even feel betrayed. Because they are not what we want them to be concerning the particular thing it is about. But it is crucial for our growth together that we stay our ground then and stay with the discomfort this might cause. At least if we want true and open intimacy. And I figure we all do.